I will refer to one one one meetings here at O3’s or 1×1’s. I won’t use the abbreviation OOO since that it typically used to mean Out Of Office. A 1×1 is a private meeting between employee and employer held on a regular cadence that is intended to help develop a relationship based on trust between the two of them. It provides guaranteed time for the employee to be heard and for the manager to learn. It allows employee coaching to occur on a regular heartbeat for which there is always a check-in.
I have some strong beliefs about the purpose of 1×1’s and how to conduct them based on the advice and counsel of Mark Horstman and Mike Auzenne, who first taught me how to do them. They founded the web site Manager Tools which contains hundreds of free podcasts posted as a blog that started in 2005. When I met them, they were just starting out. They presented a unique perspective on management as being a sacred responsibility. They view management as a profession. That means they believe that anyone in a management role should be studying and actively practicing in a way that they will improve their skills continuously with a goal of developing world-class level skill.
I also learned some interesting things myself from conducting them, and I will share some of those recommendations and associated stories as well.
The Goal
The purpose of one on ones is to build a relationship with each employee. You do not have a relationship with someone until you are familiar with their family, pets, and whatever is at the center of their universe. They may have a hobby, a favorite activity, or some horrible process happening in their family. That is where they live in their minds. You cannot consider yourself a compassionate, empathetic leader unless you know these things.
1×1’s help you build a relationship. Relationships are the mechanism through which humans support and care for each other. They are the channels through which influence moves. Your goal is to build strong, trusting relationships with your employees that both of you can leverage to bypass the BS and do great work together.
“Relationships are built on trust, and trust is built on communication.”
Mark horstman
Structure
- Half Hour. Limit the time to 30 minutes for each meeting. At first you will not use much of this time because there will be little trust. Some employees will stare at you like you are insane for expecting them to say anything. They will sit and wait for you to start telling them what to do or scold them with an angry expression. Some will be chatty and friendly, but don’t expect everyone to react that way. Limiting the time to 30 minutes prevents these sessions from overly burdening your busy calendar.
- Weekly. I think more often than weekly will result with little to discuss. Less often than weekly will result in things happening and the employee feeling alone and abandoned. At least, they will feel that way after you start to build a relaitonship.
- 15 minutes for the employee. The first half of the half-hour should be for the employee. During this time, the manager doesn’t say anything other than to ask clarifying questions, restate what they have heard to ensure understanding, and take notes. No matter how spun up you are, be quiet and listen. If the employee wants to talk about their cat, let them talk about their cat. This is not your time to gather updates and do your business. This is when you prove you care, and you learn that you actually do care . Taking over from the start because, “Normally I wouldn’t, but this time I have a lot to cover,” is a great way to be seen as a narcissistic nightmare boss who doesn’t care. Remember this rule: what we do when the poop hits the fan is who we really are.
- 15 minutes for you. The next 15 minutes are for you to do what you need. You can follow up on assignments, find out how coaching activity is going, and otherwise inform the employee of what you know to be true about what is going on around them. That doesn’t mean share classified information, but letting them know where they stand is important. You can also use this time to give constructive feedback either positive or correctional.
Some Tips:
- Use a paper notebook or a tablet to take notes. Do not type during 1×1’s. It looks like you are messaging people and not listening. Saying, “I am typing my notes, but I am not messaging anyone,” doesn’t build trust. This advice becomes more controversial as time passes and people raised with electronics find this behavior more and more alien to their experience. Even the people raised with other people playing with their phones still do not like it when you, the boss, play with your phone while they try to tell you something meaningful. Multitasking does not project deep empathy, and you are not just trying to project it, you are trying to create it. Empathy isn’t just a natural ability. You can develop it. But, not by concerning yourself over your notes more than what someone is saying.
- Not documentation. Your notes are to help you remember things and keep track of ongoing activities. If your purpose for taking notes is to create documentation you can use against someone later, you will broadcast that desire strongly and no trust will be built.
- Don’t share your notes. If the employee leaves your group and goes elsewhere, don’t send your notes along with them. What a tremendous breach of trust that is to have personal conversations with an employee and then reveal the contents to the next boss who has not yet earned their trust.
- Your notes may end up documentation. Despite your desire to help yourself remember their cat’s name as well as the names of their family members, you could end up in a legal action in the future years later, and your notes could be used against you, them, or the company. When you scribble your notes, keep that future possibility in mind at all times. Years of calm conversational notes can suddenly turn into evidence in a deposition for your benefit or theirs.
- Defend 1×1 time. Don’t push your 1×1’s around on your calendar. Moving them around for other events sends a clear message to your employee, “You are not important. You do not matter.”
- Don’t make a 1×1 day. Not all of us are great listeners. I may be the worst listener ever. Scheduling all of them to happen all-day Thursday was a huge mistake I made once. By the fifth one, I was dying. I was no longer present. Scatter them out around the week
- Let employees choose the time and day. Providing your employees with a list of available time slots they can choose to have the 1×1 time with you and let them propose the time and day based on the times you make available. Let them control it. And let them reschedule it.
- Don’t allow employees to decline. 1×1’s are not optional. They are mandatory. If employees decide you are another corporate douchebag just looking to get ahead at their expense, they may decline the invitation and act as though they don’t have to meet with you. Don’t tolerate that. Remember your lessons from feedback: verbal conversations for anything correcting. Do not write to them unless they are hanging up in your face and will not speak to you verbally.
- Time of week is important. When you hold 1×1’s early in the week, the discussion tends to be about the future. When you hold them later in the week, they will be about the past.
- Review your notes. Before any 1×1, go over your notes and organize your thoughts. Take deep breaths. Prepare to to listen. Center yourself. Don’t go in unprepared. That messages that you don’t care.
- Notebooks. The way you take notes will matter later as meeting notes pile up. If you have a notebook, trying to find notes relevant to this employee will be difficult. If you use multiple file folders for your 1×1’s, carrying them around can be a pain. You will be tempted to an electronic tool, but don’t.
- Messaging. Do not use text or chat to do 1×1’s. You will build trust at 10% of the velocity, if at all. That’s just lazy. In-person is best. Video calls next. Phone calls last. Never in writing.
- Focus. Don’t be distracted. Don’t be doing something else. Don’t be in your car unable to take notes.
Case Study with Jane
Jane was a powerful project manager assigned to work for me. She was in charge of a highly important, high-budget project far beyond anything that was on my team at the time. She was in meetings all day. After finding out she would be working in my group, I went to her desk to visit her. She was on the phone with someone, and she wouldn’t look at me. Iv visited again a few hours later. She was still on the phone and waved me away.
I sent her an invitation to meet with me. She declined.
I sent her a note telling her it was not optional. She told me she was working until 10pm. I wrote back, “See you then at my desk. Thanks.” I stayed in the office at my desk until 10pm. Back then, I had no smartphone, and just about everything interesting was blocked on my computer, so I basically tidied my file cabinets and cleaned my desk, took a nap, spun around in my chair, took a walk, drove down the street and ate something, and came back and waited. I think I also did some pushups in my cube. She walked in at 10pm shocked to see me still sitting there.
I told her that I required weekly 1×1’s no matter the consequences, and that she would participate. She refused. I had anticipated this and had already spoken to HR to ensure I was on solid ground. I told her if she wouldn’t, I would start documenting insubordination and she would eventually be walked out.
She relented. And our meetings were not at 10pm. She wanted to have them earlier, so I woke up earlier and got there when she was available.
At the first one, I asked her if she had anything she wanted to talk about. She asked why I was taking notes. I said, “I want to remember this conversation, so that I don’t ask you the same things over and over. You’re not in trouble. This is how I make sure you have space to be heard.
Week after week, she stared at me without speaking rolling her eyes. I would stare back for a few minutes of highly awkward silence, and say, “OK. Well, I’ll go, and you can leave.” I told her about my kids, my dog, my cat, the mistakes I had made that week, some things I was worried about. I shared some rumors I heard, and I asked if she heard any such rumors. I talked a little about a favorite TV show. She stared back. I let her leave.
Eventually, after a few of these, she used her fifteen minutes to complain about how her project was going. I sat forward and put down my clipboard. I listened intently. She went on for a while. I was careful not to look at my watch. When she finished, I said, “How can I help?” She looked surprised. She asked me if I could run some little errand for her on a call and tell them her updates and get her out of it. I said, “You got it.” I did it.
The next 1×1 she started to talk more. The next and the next were better and better. As we went, she spoke more and trust started to build. This was not an arrogant, mean person. This was a highly stressed woman going through a divorce who worked to alleviate her stress. She was treated poorly by many people. She told me about one stakeholder who had even used physical intimidation and threats, a problem I would have to take up with either that person directly or the company itself. I would eventually come to know the names of her children, her husband, where she lived, and her perspective on the world.
Today, we are still friends. I hear from her regularly. She worked for me for years, and I worked to protect and help her. I still think fondly of her to this day. Without those meetings, I would have found her abrasive, arrogant, and impossible. I would have wanted her fired. I would have been working to get rid of her, or at least to get her away from me. I wouldn’t have cared a bit about her problems and perspective. I would have retreated into my own insecurities and viewed her behavior as a threat to my safety.
Case Study with Rhonda
Rhonda was an employee nearing retirement age who was transferred to work in my team. She was not happy to be there, having been moved from her previous group which was acquired in a takeover of another company. She had 30+ years of experience, and she was exhausted with corporate America.
Many of the details of her story are above in Jane’s story. Mistrust. Silence. Resistance. Pushback. Anger. Resentment. I plowed on. Eventually, she came around. This happened when she confessed to me that she was fighting breast cancer this whole time, and she had told no one for fear that she would be fired.
“FIRED?!?”
The company we worked at provided outstanding benefits and had a large department of HR professionals highly dedicated to ensuring those benefits and protections provided by both the law and company policy were delivered. I was shocked she thought she would be fired. I asked her to trust me, and I called HR on her behalf and connected them. Because of that conversation, she was granted considerable free time and her job was put into a protected status. She made it through, and eventually she retired.
All of that time, that poor woman was sneaking off to chemo treatments and surgeries and hoping not to be caught doing it. I never would have been trusted by her without these 1×1 sessions.
Case Study with Bernie
Another employee joined my group because they were being moved as a “pass the trash” operation. Bernie’s boss was documenting everything he did and found him insubordinate and terrible to work with. Because HR wanted Bernie to have a second chance, they moved him to me.
We had a few 1×1’s before Bernie started to openly complain about previous boss. I had repeated the message that Bernie had a clean slate with me, and that I wanted to help Bernie improve and have a productive career. Bernie eventually invited me along with him at my request to some meetings he hosted, and I heard a few verbal ticks that were annoying stakeholders and other project participants.
During the next 1×1, Bernie and I discussed my observations. I gave feedback using the model I practice, “When you ____, then what happens is _______.” Bernie committed to do better. Bernie wanted more feedback and more as time passed. Bernie was interested in what Angela Duckworth calls “deliberative practice.”
Bernie, it turned out, had never had anyone attempt any personalized coaching with him. Bernie continued to thrive under the influence of positive and corrective feedback following meetings we both went to. I was giving Bernie coaching prior to going in, cheering him on like he was about to get in a boxing ring.
Within a few months, I nominated Bernie for a quarterly recognition. Bernie won it.
Bernie’s previous boss was furious, and tried to pull strings behind the scenes to stop me from rewarding Bernie. But it was too late. I had shredded the old reputation the previous boss had created, and instead the new Bernie was up for promotion, was known as a champion, and no longer needed any input from me. We eventually moved on to different groups. Bernie remained a top performer, sought after for his ability.
Without 1×1’s, I dont know how this would have happened. 1×1’s are something I will always do as a manager until someone thinks up something better. And I will always view them as a relationship building tool. Something that forces me to listen. A way to build trust, understanding, and intimacy with the people for whom I am responsible. And I will always view management as a sacred responsibility to care for and support the people that I am tasked with serving.
They are not there for me. I am there for them. 1×1’s are a tool to make that a reality.
Drucker, Peter F. The Practice of Management. Harper & Row, 1954.
Manager Tools. “One on Ones.” Manager Tools, manager-tools.com. 2005.
Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. Scribner/Simon & Schuster